Opinion article by Duke of Shomolu, Joseph Edgar
In a career spanning over 30 years starting from House maids, through classmates down to music stars and MILFS, I have witnessed many orgasms.
They are funny. Very funny. I have seen a female orgasm where the woman will jump from the bed and be doing like a snake on the floor and be wringing with her legs tight and be doing like she has epilepsy.
The first time I saw it, I wanted to run away naked straight to the OPC official that was guarding my car.
Since then, I have seen screaming orgasms, whimpering ones. I have seen where legs are stretched as if the person is in a morgue and I have also seen scratching of my back till blood started to come out and I cannot wear my shirt.
In all of this is the common denominator- Jesus Christ. The name is so commonly used during female orgasm that one begins to wonder about the link.
What concerns our heavenly father Jesus Christ with hot and heavy sweaty nacking, I don’t know o.
In all of my research, I have not been able to decipher it or come up with a credible reason.
But in all these, female orgasms are very rare. Very few have experienced it and many will go to their graves without experiencing it.
I have heard of someone even afraid of it. ‘‘Duke, I don’t want to have an orgasm’’ she says in a frank talk and I say ‘‘why’’ and she says, ‘‘it’s too sweet.’’
‘’I will feel embarrassed if I scream in front of a guy.’’ I look at her and smile and walk away as I mutter – mumu under my breath.
Female orgasms are not like men’s. Ours is very boring and regimented. It must be stiff. You will put it in a hole or your hand and use blue band margarine or candle wax whatever is your preference and do a motion and pronto you are producing more milk than Buhari’s cows in Daura.
The duration of the action depends on the tribe. Yoruba people come in seconds because they eat too much pepper. Igbo people are next because they have to run and go and open their shops.
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Ibibio people are the best because they understand what it takes. Well no matter the time or method it is still a very boring thing and totally regimented.
But for the females, it is colourful and beautiful. The thing that makes her cum today will irritate her tomorrow.
So if you slap her bum as you nack today and she cums good for you. But if you try it the next day she can chop off your head.
So the wahala in the thing is what makes the man to just hump for 5 minutes and run away and for some women even if they themselves don tire they will say ‘‘abeg bro come and do and go don’t worry about me”.
Our plays ‘‘Anonymous Nipples’’ and ‘’Game Night’’ directed by two massively talented ppke – William Benson and KelvinMary* will look deeply into this issue and other wahala that women carry in our bid to better understand women.
You see why some men would rather be falling in love with Vaseline and palm oil or cocoa butter instead of wasting their time looking for wetin no lost.
Na wa
*Duke of Shomolu*
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