Opinion article by Duke of Shomolu, Joseph Edgar
It was 1995 and I was 25 years old. The Duchess was 22 and had just finished her first degree at the UNILAG. We had been dating for about 4 years and were the cynosure of all eyes in Shomolu.
I was at my first job, the ill formed Pulse marketing company which was into advertising and media and where I was not being paid. The woman was owing me months of salaries but insisted on bullying and abusing me instead of explaining very carefully why I wasn’t being paid.
That was not my problem though. My main issue was my mum. She didn’t like Foluke. She felt Foluke was too young to be with me. She felt it was a step down.
Foluke and I had been dating right from my first year in the University. She was in SS, something I can’t remember at the famous Reagan Memorial High School in Yaba. I was at the great Independence Hall of the University of Ibadan and spent most of my time in Shomolu escorting her from one lesson class to the other.
It was an innocent relationship as there was no s3x involved. I had other people for that purpose and felt I should just leave this small secondary school girl make I dey groom am.
I left her with my homies – the Shomolu boys I grew up with. Chidi, Johnson, Simon and Lambert took care of her in my absence making sure no other errant Shomolu boy came near and she in turn took to them like her egbon.
She would go and hang out with them at Simon’s chemist shop and when Simon was not around, Ben, Simon’s younger brother would take turns in taking care of her. Buying her biscuit and coke and with time she became the only female member of the homies.
My mother didn’t understand why a University undergraduate with a bright future was hanging out with a secondary school girl that was still doing ‘shuku’ hair. She became very aggressive in her opposition and the quarrel was very loud and deep.
The whole Shomolu was dragged into it. They took sides, while some felt that my mum was overreacting seeing that I was the man and as such that it should be Foluke’s parents that should be up in arms at this randy University boy lurking around their beautiful albeit short daughter.
Anyways, one day it got to a head. I was hanging around with the homies at Simon’s shop doing what we normally did there and someone ran to me. It was my cousin Idong, the one that first took me to a brothel and he was panting –
Joe – that time I was Joe. Your mama don dey harass your babe for Morocco road, she don run enter dem Johnson house. Johnson was my homies and I knew that he would rather die than allow my mum at Foluke.
I asked guys wetin make I do? They say no go because you fit go fight your mama and dem go say na because of a woman you dey fight your mama. You see how wise, homies can be.
So we agreed that since she was safe in Johnson’s house, I should just go home and wait for my mum.. I said no. By this time I was boiling and didn’t care that it was my mum that was the aggressor.
I rushed to the scene of the wahala and nobody was there and I went to Johnson’s house and there I saw Foluke with Johnson’s mother. Johnson’s mother was very beautiful, she said Joe calm down, your mama no wrong, she wants the best.
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I say mummy abeg una get food. That time Seyi downstairs mothers egusi was the best in the world. So Johnson’s mother rushed downstairs and brought egusi and Fufu for me to eat and calm down.
I escorted Foluke home and swore to her that this injustice will be punished. I vowed that no stone would be left unturned to get to the bottom of this and she said OK. That time, we no dey even kiss. All these wahala for nothing.
I got home and my mother was ready. My dad had locked his door not wanting any stray bullet.. My brothers were in school, UI and my sister Mayen who had received slaps for daring to take pictures with us quickly joined my father in his room for quick prayer sessions.
My mother was livid, I was livid. I knew what to expect. I was my mother’s son. She was a powerhouse who brooked no opposition but I was her first son and I would stand.
She unleashed. Are you a bastard? I replied I should be asking you? This killed her and she slapped me with her famous left hand, I stood there with tears in my eyes and angry as hell.
This was my mother. She gave me everything in life and she was putting me in a position where I would have to choose between her and a woman.
She slapped me again and I stood there eyes red with tightened fists. She shouted, over my dead body, would you marry that girl and I said OK you will die and I will cross your body and marry her. I got another slap for that.
The shouting match continued all night till we were both exhausted and entered our separate rooms. I missed my mum because I used to go into her room and snuggle under her big breast and just lay there and she will stroke my head and be saying, ‘Ini you are such a sensitive child’.
This night I didn’t need that, I had to plot my revenge. So I stood up and went to attack what I knew would pain her to bits. I captured her two pots of Afang and threw them over the fence and into the canal. Yes, that would teach her.
The next morning I went to see the homies and gave them the gist and then Uche, my handsome alter ego, said something in a very silent way, Joe why you no go marry her secretly for registry.
Kai, the thing caught me. He did say it again and till he died he denied ever saying it. But I had run with the idea.
I called Fokuke and said are you ready and she said yes. By this time she was 22 and I was 25 and we had fought with my mum for all of 4 years so I had to end it once and for all.
I called her elder sister Ope and said will you stand and she said yes and then I called a meeting. It was me, Ope, Uche and Buju. It was a very clandestine operation planned with the highest level of precision by four of the most corrupt operatives in Shomolu.
Nobody would hear, not even the rest of the homies so it doesn’t leak. I went to the registry to announce my intention, they asked my age, I told them, they asked my wife’s age I told them and they charged me N200 and a bottle of wine.
Remember dem dey owe me salary and I no get money. So I went after my mothers most prized Eleganza coolers and did paro. If you were born in Shomolu you will know what paro is. The mallam graciously took the plastics and gave me my N200 and I paid.
They gave us 21 days notice and we waited it out and when it was time, four of us appeared at the Shomolu registry.
Ope stood for Foluke and Uche stood for me. The registrar knew what was going on but could not do anything about it legally. I had forged a letter from my dad giving consent and also told them my mother had gone to the Liberian war.
Can’t remember what Ope told them about her parents but we stood there and they gave us bible to swear and they married us.
They gave her the certificate to keep and we went to our various homes after it all and I slept very well.
Five years later when it was time for the white wedding and we brought out the certificate my mother went ballistic..
To be continued
*Duke of Shomolu*
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