Opinion article by Duke of Shomolu, Joseph Edgar
One of the most gruesome pains in this life is having your zipper click on your dick when trying to zip on.
Men who don’t wear underwear, would have experienced this once in a while.
You see, personally I don’t wear underwear and have never really worn one since I was born. My mother didn’t believe in them for her boys and felt that to dangle was the best way to grow a healthy penis and testicles.
So growing up, I didn’t have the luxury of undies and I loved it as I ran around the streets of Shomolu dangling freely and enjoying my life.
In adult age, the need to keep the testicles free and airy has made not wearing undies compulsory. I have heard that tying it down with tight undies and the heat that comes with that has so many negative consequences for the man including infertility among others.
So we dangle all over Lagos. But the dangling comes with some bad sides. The zipper lock on the dick.
As a child, trying to put on a new pair of jeans with sharp locked zippers with teeth, I will just feel the initial tinge of pain. I will now look down to see that the zipper has held a tiny skin on the shaft of my dick.
No shame, I will shout- ‘‘mummy’’ and she will rush to the rescue and the zip will unlock and she will sing for me, and say – oh! Ini, God should keep me alive to see the woman you will marry, you are such a sensitive child and I will cry on her chest holding my dick in excruciating pain.
But in adulthood it is a whole different ball game. Let me explain, the only thing that can immediately save you from a zip lock is to get it hard such that the skin itself would now loosely come out of the lock.
I don’t know how God made it. If you have a zip lock when you are not erect, it’s the worst thing that can happen to you. The pain is worse than childbirth. You cannot zip up or down as either way na mad pain.
It will hold your breath and tears will start coming out of your eyes. You will call Jesus and he will not answer you, you will lose all sense of reasoning because as an adult, if it happens to you in the office, you can’t call anybody.
You rarely zip up when erect, especially at a certain age, you zip up flaccid or after a pee and it’s at that point you will feel devil in your life.
It happened to me once. I was in Habib Bank, the second floor and had gone for a pee. While I was there, they called to tell me that Mai Mustapha was looking for me. Mai Mustapha was my boss and I respected him so much as he taught me so many things as a young stockbroker.
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I said let me quickly zip up and rush to him, then it happened. The zip locked and it was terrible. The pain, the pain. In my attempt to unzip, blood started coming out. I cried, I cried.
The messenger came again, Mai is calling you. I couldn’t even answer. By this time, I was feeling faint and it was terrible. My voice had gone and my eyes were swollen red. I saw death as I held my dick in one hand and the zip in the other.
I called Mena who was then on the ground floor and hadn’t accepted my proposal to be my girlfriend. She came up but couldn’t enter the male toilet and stood out there with her phone threatening to call people.
I warned her not to try it. How will the whole bank now know that the stylish guy on the second floor had his zip in his dick? I said if she tried it, I will give her a slap as my last thing on earth before I die.
I knew the solution. I had to be erect to come out. Who or what would make me erect? Mena in the male toilet of a very busy bank? Or a man who could enter the toilet?
It was a catch 22, so I decided to call my mother. I told Mena to free my phone and let me call the only person in the world who had worked me out of many of these situations.
She asked me to calm down and not panic and be a man. She said I should breathe very deeply and hold the dick in one hand and bite my lips and yank it off once and feel the pain once.
She said I should put the phone on speaker and then count to three with her and that at the count of three, I should yank. But first, Mena should go and buy Vaseline and hold down for post trauma care.
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So she rushed downstairs and told all of her friends I am coming, Edgar has his zip on his dick, I need to go get Vaseline, his mother is on the phone – that is how people heard o.
Well she came back and stood outside the toilet and said she had the Vaseline. I knew this was the worst strategy, because I could bleed to death but my lovely mother knew that it would be ethically wrong for her to ask Mena to go into the male toilet to make me hard so that the thing can ease off by itself.
So she chose to make a professional of me by asking me to go through the pain as a man to learn a lesson.
So she said, oya Ini, after three yank and I said OK, and she counted and I yanked Aghhhhh!!!!! Aghhhhh h!!!! It was blood spilling scream and I fell on the floor with tiny blood and Mena now opened the door and slid in the vaseline.
My mother now asked me to dab it on the wound and come home immediately.
I took her instructions and went home to warm tea and Afang and my head on her chest with her singing me that song.
So my people this is why I wear joggers and pants with no zip and if I am wearing pants with zip like Jeans, I pay full attention while zipping.
I hold the zipper and pull it outward, away from my dick, while looking firmly at what I am doing, with no distractions until the operation is done.
My mama done die, I no fit shout.
Thank you
*Duke of Shomolu*
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